Revision of The Jack Rabbit Syndrom from April 24, 2008 - 3:02pm
This is an open letter to all the wannabe racer-commuters in Vancouver...
You know who you are. You are the ones who have a freak if anyone passes you and quickly have to pass back only to run out of energy shortly so that you get passed again. This travesty then gets repeated however many times your pride will allow.
I am riding back from Burnaby to East Van on my trusty fixie, which is of course a piece of shit (my beloved gehetto bike) and geared way too high to be riding up Burnaby mountain, which I do everyday. So, I am riding along at my one speed which I rarely change from. I catch this guy... I pass this guy. I wave and say "hello".
Now most Jack rabbits are some what subtle. They will wait a little while, then gently pass you back, almost as if to say "Opps, was I going slow? Well, this is my normal speed, don't think I am slow and out of shape." Not this guy, within seconds he gets out of the saddle (on the flat none the less) and zipps by. Nothing subtle here. After he gains maybe 200 feet, he sits down and starts pedaling his original slow pace again.
Of course I catch him and pass him, again at my weasel speed. And again, he immediately gets out of the saddle and huffs it again, maintains this for a short period before he again sits down and returns to a crawl. I catch him again and this pattern repeats once again. At one point as he passes he says, and I quote,
"Don't you hate it when you get passed like this?"
"Why, yes I do you dick now get out of my way."
But feeling diplomatic I said "I don't know man, I only ride one speed all the time cause I got one gear."
He looks down at my bike and asks if its a fixed gear. I reply "yes."
Now he ponders for a second then something, I have no idea what, ignites in his pants right under his ass, perhaps even in his anus, I don't know but what ever it was it causes him to flips out. "Your gonna destroy your knees that way, its stupid!" He blurts out then proceeds to accelerate again.
I laugh to myself, and continue at my one speed only to guess what? Catch the fucker again. As this deja vu repeats itself, every time I pass him he finds it necessary give me his unnecessary advice about riding fixed. He really freaks out when I tell him how I ride up Burnaby Mountain every day.
I would go so far as to say he was even hostile, calling me stupid and accusing me of not taking care of my body (blah blah, yes its a temple, a temple of beer and sex... mooo hahaha) before he then jack rabbits a few meters ahead. Each time when I catch him, after his tirade of self righteous advice, I plainly state I have been doing this for a few years, my knees feel fine its all about how smooth you pedal etc. After repeating this mantra for a while, he finally thinks up something new, how old I am. I tell him. He then says "yeah well wait until your 50 you won't be so smart."
Smart as you? Wow, if this is what is in store for me as I age, get me a gun quick!
Finally, after I pass him back for the approximately millionth time (all at my one speed commute pace) he states " you sure do move along" before he cheerly departs down a side street.
Now I could have gotten all aggressive when he was being hostile, but I was too busy laughing at the whole thing and in actuality I wanted to take a completely neutral stance to see how stupid this could get without encouragement.
Well I learned an important lesson:
Natural selection, where are you?